Joke Thread

[aidan]

On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North coast near Aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Pope mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.
They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Scottish football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark`s ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.

It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.

Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Scotland and England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God`s wisdom."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows nothing about shark hunting. How`s that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?

[kronos]

MICROSOFT VS GENERAL MOTORS

At a recent computer exposition (COMDEX) Bill Gates of Microsoft reported in comparing the computer industry with the auto industry, stated:

'If General Motors had kept up with the technology like we have in the computer industry, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon!'

In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating:

'If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive-but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. A single 'General Protection Fault' warning light would replace all the oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights.

7. The airbag life saving system would ask 'are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Reboot' button to turn the engine off.

[bastet]

Failed excuses

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E.today. Please execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31,32, and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the sh!ts. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12) Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21) Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
23) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
24) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

[lakshmi]

Twenty five true reasons to try and stay cheerful for modern living in the 2000's:

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your buddy, who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends, is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different companies.
9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
10. Your résumé is on a diskette in your pocket.
11. You learn about your redundancy on the evening 11 o'clock news.
12. Your biggest loss from a PC system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge, or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go to lunch with yours boots up.
19. Being sick is defined as "you can't walk, or you're in hospital".
20. There's no money in the budget for the 5 permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford 4 full-time mega paid management consultants, advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Your friends, relatives, and family, tries to describe your job as "working with computers".

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE..
22. You read this entire list and kept nodding, and smiling.
23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".
24. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check, so you forward it anyway.
25. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

[tefnut]

TRADITION MEETS PROGRESS

Imagine if you will this old-aged retired pensioner lady holding a hammer that has gone straight through the top of a PC desktop - the screen completely severed in half - smoke and components flying both sides.

To the side of her stern angry face, a caption talk balloon with o o O O {You'll understand this command" ! }

[taranis]

Stupid Users
This is (allegedly) a true story from the Microsoft Word help line. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired. However, the ex-employee is currently suing the Microsoft Word organization for "termination without cause." The following is an extract from the taped help desk telephone conversation leading up to the dismissal.

"Microsoft Word Technical Desk, may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Microsoft Word."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Microsoft Word, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV."
"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"...Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach it."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power...a power outage? Aha, okay. We've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[kronos]

Comprehending IT - Take One
Two IT guys were walking across the park when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second IT guy replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want?"
The first IT guy nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

[kronos]

Comprehending IT - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the IT guy, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

[athena]

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer please?" he says.
The bartender promptly serves him a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

[cernunnos]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one pun would win.

Unfortunately, 'no pun in ten' did.

[pryce]

What's the downside to bigamy?

SPOILER: Click to show

{Click here to show/hide}Having more than one mother-in-law.

[athena]

Why did the tomato blush?

SPOILER: Click to show

{Click here to show/hide}They saw the salad dressing.

[bastet]

I was called into my Manager's office today due to my dress code.
She said: "You can't wear pyjamas at work."
I said: "Why not?, everybody else does."
She said: "That's because they're patients!"

[brigit]

How do you get a 80 year old sweet lady to say the F word?

SPOILER: Click to show

{Click here to show/hide}When another 80 year old sweet lady yells Bingo!

[cernunnos]

Why do you feel warm on your birthday?

SPOILER: Click to show

{Click here to show/hide}Because people keep toasting them!